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30-10-2011, 08:38 AM
Keeping purchases secret is not a practice I would encourage among couples. For me and my wife, we are very transparent with each other. Then again, we share the same spending habits!
The Straits Times
Oct 30, 2011
Keep buys under wraps
Some spouses hide their extravagant purchases from their wives or husbands to avoid quarrels at home
By Huang Huifen
Not all secrets between husband and wife would destroy a marriage.
Administrator Fiona Lim, 48, would often ask for a couple of hundred dollars more for monthly household expenses from her husband who is based overseas for work.
'I would tell him that our son needs more tuition lessons this month, but actually I am accumulating the extra dollars to buy branded bags for myself and my girls,' she says with a chuckle. Madam Lim has two daughters aged 23 and 24 and an 18-year-old son.
Her rationale for doing so is simple: Her husband, a chef with an airline company, favours their son over the girls.
'He does not think twice about buying expensive gadgets like an iPhone or camera for our son, but he thinks that there is no need to buy branded bags for the girls as they are the same as any other bags,' she says.
To keep the buys hush-hush, she tells her daughters not to tell their father about their new bags or how much they cost when he notices them. He returns to Singapore twice a year.
'Anyway, my husband cannot remember anything. So if he asks if they are carrying a new bag, they can just say they got it a long time ago,' says Madam Lim.
As for the bags she buys for herself, she says: 'I do not feel guilty about taking some money from him. I deserve it. After all, it is not easy to look after the whole family by myself.'
Many couples will soon realise that in a marriage, hearts and minds may become one, but wallets are often another matter altogether.
Teacher K.W. Chua, 32, does not see the need to tell his wife that he is modifying his Honda Civic. For the more obvious modifications such as changing the wheels to high-performance models, he would just underdeclare the cost by up to 50 per cent. And if he made a series of modifications, he would just tell her the most obvious ones.
'It is a case of don't ask, don't tell. This is to avoid any conflicts. We quarrelled over the car a few times before as she thought that I spent too much on something that did not seem necessary to her,' says Mr Chua.
Ms Theresa Bung, principal therapist at Family Life Society, explains that couples keep their buys secret from each other because of an imbalance of financial power and a difference in attitudes towards spending.
'If the man is the main provider and the wife does not work, or if one party is earning less, he or she will feel guilty about spending money and will tend to keep his or her purchases a secret,' she says.
Even in a dual-income family where husband and wife have financial independence, conflicts may arise because one spouse may be thrifty while another may be a spendthrift.
Engineer J. Chang, 45, feels guilty that he splurges on wines and gadgets while his wife, a kindergarten teacher, hardly spends on herself.
'I hide my purchases from her because she stinges on herself,' says Mr Chang, who spends about $1,000 on gadgets during business trips to the United States. He unpacks his own luggage and does not tell his wife about his purchases.
The wine lover also spends about $1,000 on wines every few months, but rounds down their value when reporting to his wife.
Other couples point to the Mars-versus-Venus argument where a man just does not understand why a woman needs to buy another pair of shoes or bag in a similar pattern.
Marketing communications manager Kathleen Goy, 30, hides her new shoes by stuffing two pairs into one box. When buying clothes, she hides them in her bag or drawer and takes them out to wash later.
She says: 'My husband complains that my things have eaten into his wardrobe space. He says I do not need so many bags for different occasions, and that my shoes and tops look identical even though the patterns are different. So to him, it is not about the amount of money I spend, but about the quantity I buy.'
Indeed, the amount of clothes and shoes Ms Goy has is becoming a source of irritation for her husband, projects manager Eric Kwan, 31.
He says: 'I realised that I had fewer clothes that are hung in the cupboard. Instead, they are folded and kept in the drawers. On the other hand, my wife has more and more clothes hung in the cupboard. I need my space, too, so she should buy fewer clothes.'
But he admits that he often 'closes an eye' to his wife's purchases because he too has his secret stash of computer games, which he buys every other month for about $50.
Instead of hiding purchases, Mr Ang Thiam Hong, a family life coach at Edora Counselling Services, suggests couples talk things through.
'Do not underestimate the power of discussion where each has the opportunity to explain and be heard and understood. With awareness generated from the discussion, both parties may be able to automatically exercise some restraint the next time or at least consult the partner before spending. It is not so much as to get permission, but doing it out of respect,' he says.
Ms Bung of Family Life Society also believes that honesty is still the best gift that spouses can give to each other.
Still, some couples believe a little white lie can do no harm.
Bank officer Jerelyn Au, 29, has a bag of tricks to hide her luxury goods purchases from her husband, who frowns on her splurges.
For example, she passed a friend a pair of Ferragamo shoes that she had bought and asked that friend to 'present' it to her in front of her husband. This was to trick him into thinking that her friend had bought it for her at a cheaper rate overseas.
'These are white lies and are nothing serious, so it is okay. Sometimes, I do get a sense of achievement that I managed to trick him. However, I feel guilty at times and I will take him out and pay for dinner and be extra sweet to him,' she says sheepishly.
hfhuang@sph.com.sg
The Straits Times
Oct 30, 2011
Keep buys under wraps
Some spouses hide their extravagant purchases from their wives or husbands to avoid quarrels at home
By Huang Huifen
Not all secrets between husband and wife would destroy a marriage.
Administrator Fiona Lim, 48, would often ask for a couple of hundred dollars more for monthly household expenses from her husband who is based overseas for work.
'I would tell him that our son needs more tuition lessons this month, but actually I am accumulating the extra dollars to buy branded bags for myself and my girls,' she says with a chuckle. Madam Lim has two daughters aged 23 and 24 and an 18-year-old son.
Her rationale for doing so is simple: Her husband, a chef with an airline company, favours their son over the girls.
'He does not think twice about buying expensive gadgets like an iPhone or camera for our son, but he thinks that there is no need to buy branded bags for the girls as they are the same as any other bags,' she says.
To keep the buys hush-hush, she tells her daughters not to tell their father about their new bags or how much they cost when he notices them. He returns to Singapore twice a year.
'Anyway, my husband cannot remember anything. So if he asks if they are carrying a new bag, they can just say they got it a long time ago,' says Madam Lim.
As for the bags she buys for herself, she says: 'I do not feel guilty about taking some money from him. I deserve it. After all, it is not easy to look after the whole family by myself.'
Many couples will soon realise that in a marriage, hearts and minds may become one, but wallets are often another matter altogether.
Teacher K.W. Chua, 32, does not see the need to tell his wife that he is modifying his Honda Civic. For the more obvious modifications such as changing the wheels to high-performance models, he would just underdeclare the cost by up to 50 per cent. And if he made a series of modifications, he would just tell her the most obvious ones.
'It is a case of don't ask, don't tell. This is to avoid any conflicts. We quarrelled over the car a few times before as she thought that I spent too much on something that did not seem necessary to her,' says Mr Chua.
Ms Theresa Bung, principal therapist at Family Life Society, explains that couples keep their buys secret from each other because of an imbalance of financial power and a difference in attitudes towards spending.
'If the man is the main provider and the wife does not work, or if one party is earning less, he or she will feel guilty about spending money and will tend to keep his or her purchases a secret,' she says.
Even in a dual-income family where husband and wife have financial independence, conflicts may arise because one spouse may be thrifty while another may be a spendthrift.
Engineer J. Chang, 45, feels guilty that he splurges on wines and gadgets while his wife, a kindergarten teacher, hardly spends on herself.
'I hide my purchases from her because she stinges on herself,' says Mr Chang, who spends about $1,000 on gadgets during business trips to the United States. He unpacks his own luggage and does not tell his wife about his purchases.
The wine lover also spends about $1,000 on wines every few months, but rounds down their value when reporting to his wife.
Other couples point to the Mars-versus-Venus argument where a man just does not understand why a woman needs to buy another pair of shoes or bag in a similar pattern.
Marketing communications manager Kathleen Goy, 30, hides her new shoes by stuffing two pairs into one box. When buying clothes, she hides them in her bag or drawer and takes them out to wash later.
She says: 'My husband complains that my things have eaten into his wardrobe space. He says I do not need so many bags for different occasions, and that my shoes and tops look identical even though the patterns are different. So to him, it is not about the amount of money I spend, but about the quantity I buy.'
Indeed, the amount of clothes and shoes Ms Goy has is becoming a source of irritation for her husband, projects manager Eric Kwan, 31.
He says: 'I realised that I had fewer clothes that are hung in the cupboard. Instead, they are folded and kept in the drawers. On the other hand, my wife has more and more clothes hung in the cupboard. I need my space, too, so she should buy fewer clothes.'
But he admits that he often 'closes an eye' to his wife's purchases because he too has his secret stash of computer games, which he buys every other month for about $50.
Instead of hiding purchases, Mr Ang Thiam Hong, a family life coach at Edora Counselling Services, suggests couples talk things through.
'Do not underestimate the power of discussion where each has the opportunity to explain and be heard and understood. With awareness generated from the discussion, both parties may be able to automatically exercise some restraint the next time or at least consult the partner before spending. It is not so much as to get permission, but doing it out of respect,' he says.
Ms Bung of Family Life Society also believes that honesty is still the best gift that spouses can give to each other.
Still, some couples believe a little white lie can do no harm.
Bank officer Jerelyn Au, 29, has a bag of tricks to hide her luxury goods purchases from her husband, who frowns on her splurges.
For example, she passed a friend a pair of Ferragamo shoes that she had bought and asked that friend to 'present' it to her in front of her husband. This was to trick him into thinking that her friend had bought it for her at a cheaper rate overseas.
'These are white lies and are nothing serious, so it is okay. Sometimes, I do get a sense of achievement that I managed to trick him. However, I feel guilty at times and I will take him out and pay for dinner and be extra sweet to him,' she says sheepishly.
hfhuang@sph.com.sg
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